How to Overcome Relationship OCD | Intrusive Thoughts

How to Overcome Relationship OCD | Intrusive Thoughts

https://www.restoredminds.com/5-Rules-For-Recovery

In this episode, I discuss Relationship OCD. When a person has Relationship OCD he or she experiences intrusive thoughts and doubt or uncertainty regarding their romantic partner or their relationship as a whole. In this episode, I talk about examples of relationship OCD, some practical things to consider with relationships, and the treatment process.

TRANSCRIPT

00:10 All right. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode where we're going to talk about relationship OCD. Now, um, relationship with again is a sub category of OCD in the intrusive thoughts realm or kind of that, that what you might call a pure OCD, right? And so like I said, I'm in this series. What we're doing is we're moving into kind of the last section. So we started with the religious obsessions and then the harmful obsessions. And then now we're moving into the love slash kind of sexual obsessions. And I'm going to start with relationship OCT. today is the first one. So let's start with just what is relationship OCD now relationship with Citi is when, um, OCD basically kind of latches onto the idea of love or am I in the right relationship and what one will, what a person will do with relationship OCT is they'll analyze and just repetitively again and again and kind of analyze their partner as if to find out as if the partner is the right one.

01:10 Right? Um, are they the, are they the perfect match for them? Right. And so that will be a lot of the compulsion's will be very mental based where it's a lot of analyzing, a lot of ruminating, a lot of rationalizing, um, a lot of, you know, nitpicking the, the negative qualities of their partner to trying to justify if they are in the right relationship or not. Okay. And so again, um, and so there's a few points that I want to cover in today's episode when we're talking about if this is something you struggle with or if this is a, if you're a clinician and you're working with someone with this kind of, just some points to really consider when we are working with someone or you know, if you struggle with this. So point number one is, is the obvious that relationships are complicated right there.

01:59 They're a very complex thing on, on any level. And especially when you start bringing in, um, mental health struggles into them. I mean, they become more complex, right? And this idea that, you know, I, I think, I think one of the best things that you can do with relationship obesity is, um, you know, from the book, uh, the road less traveled with dr M M Scott Peck. I mean, he really, you know, takes the word love and as opposed to making it a feeling, he, he, he says to make it a choice, right? This idea of like you're choosing to love someone and that's an important thing in, in the relationship with city because there's so much anxiety and feelings that are immeshed in this whole thing, um, with, with someone who struggles with this. So they're constantly just like, Oh my gosh, you know, my, my partner has his balding, or they don't like their teeth, or you know, they're not that funny.

02:53 So are they the perfect person? Right? And then their anxiety will spike and then they'll start to analyze their own attraction to them. Right? So, um, so point number two is, is that right there? So the first point is that just relationships are complicated. But point number two is really this idea of [inaudible] to remove the idea of, of justifying the relationship with your feelings. Because what happens is, is people will start to analyze the relationship and what they'll do is they'll start to analyze if they feel love for the person. Right? And that's, that's a tricky thing because anyone that's been in a relationship for any length of time will, will tell you that look, feelings ebb and flow. Sometimes you're upset, sometimes you've had a bad day, sometimes you know your partner's getting on your nerves. I mean, this is part of relationships right there. There is no person who you're just going to be in this ooey-gooey lovey-dovey state all day 24, seven especially if the relationship has, you know, been been going for a little while, right?

03:52 I mean, usually in the first few months it might be like that, but relationships grow and evolve over time and um, and so do the individuals in the relationship, right? And so when you are trying to justify your feelings as if you should stay in the relationship and all, what happens is as you try to create those feelings or by scanning for those feelings, you actually don't create them. So for instance, the idea of sexual arousal or physical arousal, if you're trying to see if you're experiencing that and analyze, if you're aroused by the person, oftentimes that will actually block a state of arousal, right? Or actually have a reverse effect, right? It's trying to like make yourself aroused, so to speak. And it just doesn't, it doesn't work, right? Which then again reinforces the idea that, Oh, this is a bad relationship. You see, because I'm not aroused by this person or this and that.

04:43 Right. And then, so, um, and then the, the third point that I want to talk about is this idea of the right one. And, or, you know, this, this idea of the perfect person. You know, I've heard people say this idea of like a dual flame, um, and, and it, and it's this idea that there's this one person in this world that you're meant to be with. And if you're not with them, that know that that relationship can't work. So you need to keep looking. And it's interesting because, you know, in studies in marriage, obviously in the United States, there's such a such a high divorce rate. And it's so interesting when you look at like marital satisfaction, um, that people in arranged marriages are sometimes even happier than people with, um, you know, that, that have the opportunity to just kind of choose their partners.

05:31 And really it comes back down to this idea of this paradox of choice, right? Like the grass is always greener and you know, always second guessing your decision because you have unlimited choices that they're never really can be the right one because you'll always find something wrong and they're, they're just, the reality is there is no perfect person. You know, you'll always be able to find something that you don't like or that bothers you about a significant other, especially if you look for it, right? This idea of I need to be with the right one and then starting to nitpick your spouse. Obviously you can understand that the, the strain that that's going to put on the relationship, right. You know, if you're nitpicking the fact that you don't like the way they dress or you don't like their humor, you don't like their tastes in movies, they are, have a different sports team than you, you know, if you're doing that stuff well, obviously that's, that right there is going to cause strain on the relationship, right.

06:22 And um, and caused its own problems right there as well. So, um, so, so I just wanted to, you know, eliminate that myth. I had the idea that Hey looked like there is no right one, so to speak, right? I mean, you're always going to have something you can find. And really what it's about is, you know, two people willing to be committed to a relationship and make it work and fight through the struggles that actually builds a relationship, right? That, that matures a relationship over the long run. And then the, um, the final thing I wanted to talk about is this idea of the word should, because this word gets brought up a lot when, you know, when you're dealing with OCD in general, but especially with, um, with this like, well, you know, my partner should be this way or this should happen.

07:02 Or they, you know, all this stuff, right? And the thing is, is if we talk about the word should, what we need to realize is that the word should implies that you know how things are supposed to be and because they're not that way, then there's something wrong. But the reality is, is that there, there really is no way something should be, there's just the way it is. Now, let me put a little caveat here on that, because obviously there are certain things that if a relationship's dangerous, if it's, you know, violence or abuse going on, of course, like that's not right and you shouldn't be in those relationships. Okay. So let me just, that, that want to just state that little asterisks there, but when we're talking about like, Oh, you know, my partner should be funnier, or all these things, you know, that you can, you can always find something wrong.

07:50 Right? And so the idea with relationship OCD when we're, when we're working on treating it right when we're working on someone with it, is to really, again differentiate the idea that this isn't a relationship issue. It's an OCD issue. And when it's an no issue, we need to understand that what we're talking about is a malfunction of the emotional center of the brain. And that part of the brain doesn't operate in language, right? So when we're talking about, um, you know, working with the city, the idea of trying to talk through that doesn't work. Right? And that's why, you know, a psychoanalytic therapy doesn't work for OCD treatment and anxiety treatment because we're, we're not, we're not talking, we're not, we're not utilizing a part of the brain that even comprehends language where it's a, it's a, it's a, an emotional fear center, right? At the very, very center of the brain that has a malfunction going on.

08:41 And that's why when we sit with the anxiety, we sit with uncertainty and we don't do the compulsions. And, and that's why, you know, treatment often come to me is it's really just about compulsion elimination, right? So some common that, um, you know, people will do are things like analyzing their partner. They'll analyze their feelings, their arousal levels, they'll look for flaws. They'll kind of try to analyze other relationships like OSI, they look happy or this, this and that, right? And they'll do a lot of things in their head, which is why this kind of falls under that pure OCD, because this isn't your common thing where you'll see people washing their hands and stuff. Um, they'll, a lot of the compulsions will be done right here. And, and so if you're working with someone or if this is something that you struggle with, it's important to understand what the compulsion is that the person is doing well, what are the compulsion's that the person's doing?

09:30 And then systematically kind of removing them, sitting with uncertainty, learning to, you know, look at the word love as a choice as opposed to a feeling. I mean, these are all things that you know, we would work on, um, throughout the treatment process. And so hopefully, um, you know, this kind of helps someone, helps you understand what our OCD is or relationship OCT and how to, um, how to start addressing it. And we've come some key components on if you're working through this or if you're working with someone with it. And so again, um, thank you so much for tuning in this episode. We have some free resources available for you down in the notes. Um, free assessments, free downloads over on our site restored mines.com and so please check those out. Again, they're free for you. They're there to help you on your journey. And again, thank you so much for tuning in this week and we'll be back as we continue this series on intrusive thoughts next week. So take care and hope you have a great day.