How to Create REAL Change In Your Life
Have you ever tried to make a big change in your life only to wind up right back in your old patterns a few weeks later?
Maybe it was a diet change, or trying to remove a toxic person, or cutting out certain unhealthy behaviors (like compulsions).
And have you ever wondered why making REAL lasting change is so tough?
Well this week, I am excited to announce that we are creating a new series on how to create real lasting change in your life. In this first episode, I will be discussing the different levels of change that we can implement in our lives. I am also going to discuss one of the lowest levels of change, which focuses on environmental change and how this is the most commonly pursued but often the least effective.
The work we are going to do in this series will definitely unlock some of the missing pieces that have been keeping you stuck.
Click here to listen now.
All right. Hello, and welcome to another episode of the restored mind show. My name's Matt Codde. And on this episode, we're going to be talking about how to make real change, real lasting change in your life. And, um, you know, this is something that obviously all of us struggle with from time to time, right? We encounter problems and then we want to make changes to overcome that problem. And the thing is, is most of us take a completely backwards approach to this and usually are not very effective at creating the kind of changes that we want to have happen in our life. I mean, let's just look at how many of us have tried to diet, right. And, you know, we'll do it for a few weeks and then kind of fall off the wagon. Right. Why does that happen? You know, like, I mean, if you ever stopped to ask yourself that, like, you know, why, why like, how does that happen?
And what I want to introduce to you in this new series that we're going to be starting today is this idea of this pyramid of change. And this was something that I was first introduced to by a coach named Jim Forton. And, um, you know, it's really hard to understand the power of this work, unless you really get to see this, see this in your own life and how it works, right. Because a lot of it, what it, what it, what you have to do in many ways is actually take a look at things that you don't want to look at, right. That we naturally avoid looking at.
So what I want to do is I want to introduce the, the levels of the pyramid of change. And then I want to go ahead and I want to kind of talk about each one. And on today's episode, I'm going to talk about kind of the lowest level or the worst level of change that most of us try to, um, you know, try to operate from. So at the very bottom of the pyramid, right, you have this idea of mission and purpose. And in this, when you look at, um, operating from change from this perspective, right, if you really aligned someone with a mission and purpose, I mean, that's going to create a ripple effect in their life. And then right above that, um, in the pyramid is this idea of identity now, and then you go above identity and you go into beliefs and then you go about beliefs and you goes to skillsets, right.
Or to tools, and then you go into behavior and then you go into environments at the very top. And let's talk about just in this, in this episode today, I just want to talk about environment. Cause really, actually I should have titled this episode of the idea of how not to make change, right? Because this is how most of us do it. Right. We, we take something like our environment and we focus on changing that to fit our current model of who we are. Right. So, you know, this can be as simple as if we were going on a diet, right. We would try to change our house. Right. And so we would remove anything in our house or, you know, not go to restaurants that were attempting or, you know, and all this stuff we focus on on our environment. Right. And the reality is is that while this can be effective to a certain degree, is this, like, you don't have control over your environment to that degree.
Like you're eventually going to be in front of things that maybe are unhealthy to eat and you have to make that decision. Right. And that's why the next step underneath that is behaviorly, but you're going to see the lower and lower we get to this pyramid. Right. When we talk about levels of identity, levels of belief and how really, you know, when we look at changing those, how the ripple effect up is just, is astronomical. Right. And when real change, and this is what we need to understand is that real change happens from within. It never is about our environment. Really, you know, um, our, our environment is often a reflection of what's going on internally with us. Right. Um, so when we look at changing our environment, I mean, we can take simple examples, like the idea of relationships, right? So I've had a, you know, obviously as a, uh, as a therapist and counselor, I meet many people and they're having relationship issues.
And so, um, if we take a simple example like that, that we can all relate to. It's like, and, and what, what happened is that someone will bounce, you know, maybe from relationship to relationship, to relationship. And they'll tell me stuff like, you know, I just meet all these horrible, horrible people. Right. And it's always their significant other, that's the problem. Right. And eventually, like, you know, and I'm not saying there aren't bad relationships and, you know, poor, significant others. You can obviously find that. Um, but what I am saying is, is like, if we focus on that as the issue, what are we not focusing on ourselves? Right. And, you know, and I'll often sometimes ask the person if it, if it goes on long enough, anyway, it's like, well, what's the common theme of, let's say these six or seven failed relationships.
And eventually it's like,
Well, it's me, it's myself. Right. And, and again, this kind of comes back down to this, this idea here that I, that I want to drive home in this series, this is like, change starts with you.
You know, um, as, as much
It is, it is painful to admit that for some of us anyway, for most of us, right? Most of us don't want us to be the issue. Right. We want to, when we focus on our environment, the great thing about focusing, focusing on our environment and trying to change our environment is that it means that we're not responsible. Right. Because if it's the environment, that's the issue. Well, then it means that I'm not the issue. Right. So what we do is we naturally to avoid looking at ourselves, we naturally go outward. Right. And we say, well, let me look at what's in my life. That the problem is right. So, but let's just take real world examples. Right. We can look at things like anxiety and depression, and we can always kind of come up with situations of that life has presented to us and blame that situation.
Right. But let me take, let me take you through an example of myself, right? So, cause this is, this is just a, you know, just, just more and more work that I, you know, have to do on myself every time. Right. You know, cause again, I think our very initial is to always blame our environment because that means that we aren't responsible, but if we always trace it back enough, it's like, usually we can find something we did in something we chose to put ourselves in that situation. So let's go ahead and use this example
Months ago we had, uh, my wife and I were living in this place, you know, and, um, essentially we found, they found mold in the wall. Right. And you know, we have, uh, a new baby and we were like, Oh my gosh, like, we need it. We need to get out of here, this this, you know? And so we just ended up leaving right. And found ourselves essentially homeless, right. Where it was like, we can't stay here. We don't have another place. So we were in the scramble to find a place to live. And then on top of that, you know, I had this situation where we had a deposit down and um, long story short, the person who was supposed to give us the positive back, wasn't giving us back to us. Right. And they were kind of holding it and you know, not being accessible and that wasn't, weren't getting the money back. And so, you know, initially that was all frustrated. Right. I was like, well, you know, how does this happen? Like, you know, like the, just the worst of luck, right. I mold, I'm not getting my deposit back now and, and this and this and this, but if I really trace it back far enough, right. It's like, okay. Yes, I wasn't getting my deposit back. And yes, our place had mold. Those two things were beyond my control, but who signed the lease initially?
Right. Well, I did write my,
My wife and I, and we, we made that decision. And one of the reasons I made that decision was because the apartment that we were living in prior to them, um, you know, one of the things was, is we, you know, we put in a notice and we were thought we had a place lined up to move into, and that ended up falling through. And we had to kind of scramble, you know, before that, to move into this place. Right. And we had, you know, and, and ultimately I had made a poor decision there. And, and if I trace it back far enough in my life, like I made some decisions along the way that put me in a position to where we were in a state of chaos for a little bit now, you know, we got our place now and it's wonderful and we love it and all that, but, and then ended up getting my deposit back eventually. Um, but you know, had to go through some, some hoops there, but the point is this it's like, I can look at it. I can take a abstract situation in my life like this, right. Where we're house has mold and we had to move out and I wasn't getting my deposit back and be frustrated at that thing and look at that as the
A lot of people only look at that. They only want to assume that external things are the problem. Right. And, but the reality was is that there were many things I did along the way here that got me into that situation. And, and it's easy for me to look at that problem and say that that's the problem, because then it doesn't put any responsibility on me. And I know that like, you know, this message isn't necessarily going to be popular what I'm saying here. But when we talk about like, what's going on in our current climate here, you know, even right. You know, where the, you know, these ideas of people forcing you, you know, or like forcing beliefs onto people or telling people how they should and shouldn't behave because, you know, if you behave like this, it, it makes me feel uncomfortable. So you need to change.
And, and on both sides of the fence here, again, we're not, we're not arguing one side or the other, it's just this idea of like this forced external environment change. And we have to ask herself, is that okay? Is that a good approach? Is that even the problem, right? Or is that just what we perceive to be the problem? And, and again, that's why, like, when we look at restorative minds, right. When we talk about, you know, a restored mine being the foundation in the beginning of a restorative world, what we're talking about here is look, when we take individual responsibility, that is the only way change happens. Okay. And when we try to control our environment and we try to change everyone around us to fit how we want them to be. So we feel, okay, that's a broken model, right. Because naturally you're not always going to align with everyone else. And so then you're going to be fighting each other, trying to change each other so that you feel okay internally. But what is the real issue there, right. Is it them, or is it what's going on inside? Yeah.
You know what I mean? Just questions to ask yourself at least. Right. Because I think again, when we, when we operate from this default assumption that we're right and we know we're right, and there's no way we can be wrong. Well, then the last thing that we're going to do is look at ourselves. And again, this is where I'm going to get into. As we move into this series, I'm going to get into this idea of beliefs and identities and why these things are so dangerous because they're underneath the surface. There are things we never look at it. And they're the things that are often the most damaging. Right. Um, and, and the biggest driving forces right. In our lives. And, you know, I can go into countless examples of myself here. Right. But the thing I want you to take away from this episode is this idea of, if you're, if you're focusing on environmental change and you think that you need to change your exterior for you to be okay, well, the problem is is that wherever you go, you're going to be there.
Right? And chances are, you're going to find something that you don't like. And if you're always operating to change the outside with every, without ever really looking at this idea of changing you, right. And really taking accountability for yourself and responsibility for yourself, you're going to be in a lot of conflict here, just your gear. You're going to be in a lot of conflict in your life. Um, and, and that's where your that's where, you know, when we want change to happen, you know, again, one of the, and again, there are situations I acknowledge where changing your environment is effective. If you're, if you're in a bad, emotional or physical relationship, right. You know, where you're in danger. Yes. Getting out of that environment is, is obviously important, right? You need to make that change, but that's the lowest level of change you need to make.
Right. Then after you get out of that and you, and you get to a safe place, it's like, well, how did I get in that relationship in the first place? Like, how did I not see these red flags? Right. And really looking at some of the, the, the choices that were made along the way. And I know, again, like I said, this is not a popular idea, right. Because we love to think that the external is the problem, because it, it prevents us from having to look internally. And if we want change to happen, real change, it comes from doing the hard work, the work that most people don't want to do going the road less traveled. Right. And, and what, and, and really starting with ourselves, right. It's, it's, it's curious that some of the biggest thought leaders and movement makers in our world, in our history of our world always come back to this idea of like, looking at you first, looking at yourself first, most people, most of, most of the, like the people that I've, I've really, you know, idolized in some ways, I don't want to say idolize, but really taken a lot from most of the messages that they said had to do with this idea of starting with yourself and not always assuming everyone else has the issue.
Because if, if I'm, if I'm honest, if I'm honest with myself, I got plenty to work on right here. Right. And I think most of us do if we're honest, but it's easier for me to try to tell someone else how to change. Right. It's easier for me to see their faults one. And, but, but like, we have to ask ourself, is it working? Does it work? You know, for me to just tell someone to, Oh, you know, you need to change. You need to be better like this. You need to do this.
I haven't had a lot of success with that in my life.
Um, I don't know too many people who have, and even people that have usually people don't change for the right reasons if they change, because they're afraid that's not real change. Right. If we're talking about having real relationships, they can't be built upon fear of each other. Right? Like what, what, what good relationship comes from fear? You know, and again, these are just questions I like to pose to, um, you know, to our listeners because it's like, we all want change. I think we do need, we realize that, especially if you live in the United States, like we want change. We want peace. We want harmony. We want to live with each other. And we have to ask ourselves is, is trying to change other people really where that starts, because if we all go that route, um, you know, I'm, I'm watching things get worse, not get better and stepping back and saying, Hey, maybe change starts with me.
And what does that mean? It means looking at yourself first. Now we're going to talk behaviorally as we move forward here. But all I want to leave you with here is this is like, look, change is possible. Effect, change is always happening. Right. You know, it's an, it's an con it's the only constant in life has changed. It will always, it will always be happening now how we can direct change though, you know, and the changes we can make can be really good and they can also be really bad. And again, part of that is going to start with our philosophy on how we want change to how we want to initiate change in our life and how we want to implement change. Um, and in this series, you know, obviously we started on this episode today with the idea of environment and talking about how that's not always the best approach, especially, you know, for a very short term, you know, problems maybe, but when it comes to real lasting change in your life, um, that's going to come at a deeper level. And as we move on this series, I'm going to talk more about those levels and how we can really start to make change that last. So thanks for tuning in. Um, can't wait to see us next week as we dive into the deeper levels of this. Thank you and have a good day.
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